^^

URGH! so, i had this totally long thing typed out over on Deviant and i did the whole "copy" shit so i could paste it onto here - i didnt want to have it posted there - but then this stupid piece-o-shit computer decided that it wasn't going to do what i wanted, so now i gotta try to remember everything i wrote.

*sigh* it aint gonna happen, but i'll try (><)"

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So, i think that the mental insanity from my mom's side of the family is starting to take affect on me. Usually, its only been stuff like MAJOR memory probs, alcohol abuse, crazy-ness, and regular insanity type stuff for my mom's family, but in me it seems be taking a violent direction. I can actually feel myself disappear a little every time i get angry - like, i picture myself physically hurting the person i'm angry at, even if its the stupidest, little thing. Actually, its usually worse when its the little things that annoy me.

I'm actually getting to the point where i'm starting to become scared of myself. i fear the day when i'll finally snap and hurt someone. I have a mini inner panic attack every time i say something hurtful when i'm angry, so i dont even wanna know what'll happen on that fatefull day when it happens.

Its kinda funny, because i've mentioned this to my mother and sister, but they just laughed because they think i'm joking - they think its normal for me since i have this tough persona, and everyone thinks i've just that way. Like saying this shit to people and threatening them is normal. At first it was just a defense mechanism because i dont want people to see the real me - i was a very shy person. Now, i'm stating to confuse myself. I don't know how to tell the difference between my mask and who i really am. This problem of mine blends in with the mask so well, that i only really am myself when i've isolated myself and been calm for a very long time - even then, it shines through a little because i tend to be very depressed.

That's another thing actually. I personally think that i've always been a bit depressed. I thought other people - like my family - would notice it as it got worse, but when i was going to the doctor for my skin problem, she would always ask my mom how i've been (depression wise since the medication was known to cause it) - my mom always said i was actually much happier.

I guess the masks i've created for myself are just a little too good. I wonder what she would say if she saw me as i am when i'm alone. Hell, how would anyone react.

I don't even know how many masks i've made. Two? Five? Seven?

Let's see... one for my family, one for my friends, one for my sister, one for my very close friends, one for adults, one for strangers, one for acquiantances, one for internet friends... then there's the real me. Or is it actually the real me? How am i supposed ot know who i really am? Am i actually the one when i'm alone? Am i a combination of them all? A combination of a few?

I think most would say that i'd technically be a combo of them all, but i don't think so. Most of them are what i've created based on what i think others believe i am. Now that i think about it, all my masks could really be divided into mini masks for each individual person. I know i act diferently when i'm with Alexa versus when i'm with Maree - and they all get combined into one for when we're all in a group.

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Ugh, that's too much thinking for me for one night. I think i'll stop there for now. I doubt i'll ever get on that topic again since its mainly me whining.

Until next time,
- Samm xoxo